How to love ?

Even though Mother’s day was more than a week ago, i hope to share this meaningful illustration.


To all fathers and husbands,  may i quote John Wooden who said ” the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother”.

And how do we love our spouse?

Love is patient-2

Source : 1 Corinthians 13


Resolving conflicts in a relationship

After married for many years, both myself and my wife attended a marriage course in 2010 called the Alpha Marriage. We just wanted to learn more and enriched our marriage.

I still remember this analogy of a clogged drain which was used to describe unresolved conflicts and issues in a marriage.

If we do not regularly clean the drain in our home, the accumulated rubbish and debris will eventually builds up, layer by layer and finally clogs the drain.


clogged drain
Until one day, when there is a heavy downpour, the house will be flooded!


Similarly, any unresolved issues, conflicts or hurts in relationship will stay in our memory bank. As Karol K. Truman puts it in her book ” Feelings buried alive never die”. Hence all the accumulated unresolved issues will eventually bottle up. All it takes is just one more disagreement which will then lead to an explosive argument!

So folks, here is the take home message.

Learn to lower our pride and ego. Practice the art of communication and resolving our differences with love and respect. If possible, let us seek out a win-win situation. If we could not agree, then we will need to agree to disagree. Sometimes, we may need to consult an expert or a more experienced person for solutions.

The final decision should be based on love, respect, wisdom, acting in the best interest of the family and a mutual attitude of “give and take”.



how to argue quote

Courtesy of

How to protect our marriage and our families?

How to protect our marriage and our families?

Do you wish to sustain your marriage and have a meaningful companionship till “death do us apart” . To be able to ride through the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs.

How do we nurture and protect our marital relationships?

In this age and time, the institution of marriage is very fragile and under tremendous threat! Hence it is so important to guard and shield our marriages as well as our families against the subtle attack from the negative and dark forces which seek to wreck every marriages.

First of all, true love is not merely a feeling. It is not a fairy tale story of “living happily ever after”. In reality, it is a commitment. A promise kept. A vow honoured.

What are the promises ?

That both parties will fulfil the needs and expectations of each other. There are 2 categories of promises. Explicit and implicit promises. Unfortunately, these expectations are often not spelt out clearly when love is in the air!

Couples often get together with the assumptions that she/ he knows what to do. But in this case, ignorance is not bliss! If she/he repeatedly does the wrong thing and hurt the other person, it will eventually break the relationship. So, never assume. Talk it over. Trash out the issues before tying the knot! As the saying goes, love is blind.

As such, premarital counselling is absolutely important to trash out differing assumptions and expectations before marriage. In fact, it is vital to discuss the consequences of behaviours which betray the trust of her/ him. Not only the rosy part of the wedding preparations.

One of the implicit expectation of married couple especially woman are marital faithfulness. It is often expected and presumed in a marriage.

So how do married couples protect their marriage with a strong fortress to prevent marital unfaithfulness?

  1. Self knowledge
  • We are human beings.
  • Sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. The flesh may be tempted by greed, arrogance and lust.
  • So it is best to avoid temptations and grey areas at all cost.
  1. Understand the rules of pleasures
  1. There is no greater pain than regret.


  1. Learn to cultivate a large repertoire of healthy and good pleasurable activities.


  1. Learn to resolve conflicts early before it bottles up and eventually explode.


  1. Lying is not merely making false statements, it includes withholding truth which our spouse has a legitimate right to know.


  1. Seek to nurture a healthy relationship and keep the love alive.


  1. Learn good communication skills.


  1. Seek to understand that man are from Mars and women are from Venus. ( courtesy of John Gray’s book entitled Man are from Mars, Women are from Venus ) )


  1. Accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Understand that it is a myth to having a perfect husband or wife.


  1. Look beyond the behaviour. Beyond those hostile behaviours or hurting words is a vacuum in the heart which is desperate for unconditional love, security, acceptance and respect.


  1. Learn to forgive each other and never hold grudges. Be a better person and not a bitter person.


  1. Learn the prayer of serenity
  2. Be mindful and accountable to each other’s feelings.  Be accountable to our marriage vows



Reality is like a lighthouse

Reality is like a lighthouse. It is rock solid and stands firmly to guide us.

It never changes. A fact is a fact. It is absolute truth.

If we deny it or fight it, we are fighting a losing battle.

We need to face it. Embrace it even though it may be a painful reality. We need to take the bull by its horn.

For example, if I have an anger management issues, I need to admit it and deal with it, and stop blaming others for provoking my anger.

If my marriage is heading towards a divorce, I need to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself   “ What have I done which have resulted in a deteriorating marriage life” and stop blaming my spouse. I need to take responsibility to restore it. Blaming never helps.

Therefore, we need to wake up to the reality or truth and navigate through those “lighthouses” in our lives. We need to makes necessary changes in ourselves. We need to make course corrections. Or else we will crash !



Automatic behaviour

For the past 4 years, I have been taking this particular road on my way home. And recently, I discovered a new alternative stretch which helps me to avoid the traffic congestion!  And guess what?  On several occasions, I would still unknowingly turn into my usual familiar road even though I wanted to take the other road.

Does this sounds familiar to you?

I call it my automatic behaviours.  Some may called it habits.  A more sophisticated term is subconscious mind.

The subconscious mind is not clearly visible or measurable. However, it’s impact on our behaviour is subtle and yet powerful.

Over the years, we tend to develop certain good healthy habits while others may have picked up damaging or unhealthy habits. Take a look at addictive behaviour. It is  another form of automatic behaviour.  The most common addictive substance is smoking.

What causes automatic behaviour?  It is a combination of genetics, how our brain are wired, strong feelings or emotions which were attached to certain memories, events or individuals, routine or habits and our collective learning.

A child who was traumatized by an abusive parent may believe that the world is a dangerous place and have difficulty trusting people.  A man may easily turn to excessive alcohol to escape from his emotional stress whenever he had a bitter argument with his spouse. A parent may lose control and allowed her emotional release or anger get the better of his/her when his or her child make a small mistake – because he or she was physically beaten by a punitive parent for the slightest mistake or misadventure.

So, are we completely powerless in this fight against our inner negative forces? The answer is NO.  When we choose to realize, increase awareness and acknowledge the existence of this powerful automatic behaviour, half our battle is won.  Look for the root causes, be it biological ( genetic or chemical imbalance in the brain ), psychological ( childhood issues or current stressful lifestyle )  or social.  If these behaviours are out of our control despite our efforts to contain them, then consider seeking help to deal with it before it ruin our lives.




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